Although 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, stillbirth or preterm delivery, the majority of parents never find out why it has happened. In most cases healthcare professionals simply do not know why a pregnancy loss or preterm birth has happened. Therefore it can be very difficult to know how to offer meaningful support to someone who is going through miscarriage and pregnancy loss.
I was priveleged to attend the launch of the Tommy’s charity #tellmewhy campaign, which aims to raise funding for research into the cause of these tragic losses.
As someone who works in emergency gynaecology units, and meets women going through this on a daily basis, it can be so difficult to know the right thing to say which will be helpful in a devastating situation. It’s even worse because the vast majority of the time we cant offer comfort by providing a cause or reason to explain what happened.
Many of us will unfortunately experience miscarriage or pregnancy loss personally, or it will affect a close friend or family member. I have asked the opinion of some incredible campaigners in this area. We have put together a guide about what is helpful, and what to avoid saying when someone has been through a miscarriage or loss.
What not to say to someone going through pregnancy loss:
From Al & Jen, @itsthefergusons:
- “Why don’t you appreciate the one child you’ve got”
- “At least it was early”
- “You couldn’t really afford to have that baby anyway so it’s probably a good thing”
- “Yeah, what you’re describing is secondary matter. It’s all the leftovers.”
- “You’re so lucky. At least you can get pregnant.“
- “It’s just a load of cells”
- “Well it’s better you miscarried than had a disabled baby”
From Charlie, @charlielaunder:
- “At least you can get pregnant”
- “Lucky you weren’t further along”
- “You’ll get pregnant again”
- “My friend had that …”
From Jennie, @jenniemonologues
- If you’re scanning someone, please don’t throw out comments like “oh once we’ve seen a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage is so much smaller”
- This may be true, and you may be trying to reassure them. However, as someone who’s seen a heartbeat at six weeks in four pregnancies and gone on to miscarry all of them, those comments can really haunt you, adding to a feeling that you’re somehow not normal.
- ‘Don’t tell someone who lost their previous pregnancy “well it probably won’t happen again” when they tell you they’re anxious.
- You won’t make them feel less anxious, you’ll just make them feel small.’
How to offer meaningful support:
From Charlie, @charlielaunder:
- “ I’m so sorry, what a horrible thing to go through”
- “I’m here when you need to talk”
- “I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I’m here for you”
From Jennie, @jenniemonologues
- The main thing – and it sounds so obvious – but if you’re faced with a patient who has just miscarried or has come to you about something related to losing a pregnancy, do start by saying very simply:
- “I’m sorry/I’m sorry to hear that”.
- It’s only a small thing but it’s so much better than staring at them blankly in silence until they move the conversation forward – as has happened to me more than once with doctors.
- Say something that let’s them know that what they’re dealing with is a difficult thing and that they are allowed to grieve.
- Whether that’s offering to talk it through or signposting them to relevant counselling services or other support.
- You don’t always feel as though you’re allowed to ask for help after a miscarriage, or that many people struggle afterwards. It’s still not talked about all that openly.
Tips from Zoe Clark-Coates, of @zoeadelle:
1, When people are in a state of grief, they often struggle to reach out for support, so it’s important to be direct. Don’t just say, “Call me if you need anything.” Offer to bring a cooked meal for the next week instead.
2, Be willing and available to listen to the same story over and over again. When people are bereft, their brain finds it hard to come to terms with the loss and trauma. Recovery starts with talking, so be a great friend or family member and sit and listen. And avoiding making any unhelpful comments such as, “At least they are in a better place now.” Listen – just listen!
3, Don’t be scared to ask how they are doing and to start the conversation. So many people fear raising the subject of grief and loss in case it triggers upset, but what it actually does is make people feel loved.
Thank you!
Im so grateful to everyone who contributed to this post, and shared their experiences in the hope that we can improve the support provided to women going through these difficult experiences of miscarriage and pregnancy loss:
Al & Jen Ferguson have been through 7 miscarriages, and regularly share their difficult journey from both a male and female perspective on Instagram.
Jennie Agg is a Journalist and author of The Uterus Monologues, a blog about life after recurrent miscarriage.
Charlie Barker is a pre- and post-natal fitness specialist and recently opened up about her experience of miscarriage.
Zoe Clark-Coates and her husband Andy have personally faced the loss of five babies. Out of their experiences came the charity The Mariposa Trust (more often known by its leading division Saying Goodbye) offering support to thousands of grieving parents and relatives around the world each week. If you are looking for more information or links to additional support services, please check out their website!
Zoes latest book, The Baby Loss Guide is a practical support resource to help parents navigate their grief.