Once you, or a loved one, has made the decision to persue fertility treatment, it can be empowering to be finally moving forward, but also terrifying and overwhelming. It is a process that can take over your life for a period of time, which can be very difficult for both the couple, and also friends or family around.
I have written this post together with 2 lovely ladies who have been through a range of fertility treatments between them and who share their experiences and support through creating online communities for women trying to conceive.
Im so grateful to Keelie & Alice for the tips they have shared here:
Will it be relevent to me?
3.5 million people in the UK are affected by infertility. If we imagine (and go with me on this for a second) each of those people have three others who are close to them – a parent, a friend, a sibling- then that’s 10.5 million indirectly affected and a whopping great honking stonking 14 million people in this country who are either directly or indirectly impacted by someone’s struggle to bring home a baby right now. That’s almost a quarter (21%!) of our entire population. So even if there is a bit of crossover on these numbers, it’s actually still a pretty low estimate. I mean, most of us have more than one mate for example…
Stats aside, this is the bottom line: a hell of a lot of people are seriously affected by fertility struggles and if we don’t talk more about it, it can break down relationships and create devastating isolation between family members.
I hope the following provides a taster so you can learn more, but here are just a few pointers to help you know how to support someone trying to get pregnant:
What the person may experience
In the run up to beginning fertility treatment, you can expect to undergo a myriad of tests. This post explains more about what they may undergo.
Keeley explains what you can expect from a patient perspective:
I have experienced IVF at various different clinics, but the main constant, depending on what protocol you are on, is you will be taking mostly subcutaneous injections every day (sometimes twice a day, and eventually maybe intramuscular injections), other tablet medications, perhaps some pessaries (haha everyone’s friend), and likely a few supplements.
Once you are in your “cycle” of treatment, you will be regularly scanned (referred to affectionately in some circles as WANDA) to monitor the growth of your follicles, and hence determine when your egg collection would then be.
Some clinics may only scan you every three or four days, others will scan you everyday (particularly in the second week of stimulation leading up to “trigger” and egg collection).
Top tips for getting through treatment
1) UNDERSTANDING THE INFORMATION
There are lots of acronyms and terms to get your head round, so I would advise looking on some blogs to decipher what some of them are (there’s one here.
Always ask questions; never think you sound silly, or that the question seems obvious, you need to know exactly what it is going on, and ironically more often than not, consultants are not the best at offering more information than they think is needed.
2) TAKE NOTES
Always take a note book and pen to each appointment, or even ask the consultant if you can record the meeting. There will be stuff you mishear, or forget or think you should have asked, so it’s a really good idea to keep a note of everything.
3) CONSIDER TAKING TIME OFF
Time off from work is important to consider. There is a lot being discussed about this at the moment, as the Fertility Network have launched the new ‘Fertility in the Workplace’ initiative. You should consider that particularly for Egg Collection and transfer, you will need, and may want to take a few days off.
4) DISCUSS FLEXIBLE WORKING
Consider flexibility for scans and appointments. It depends on the relationship you have with your employer, but the easiest way to navigate this is to be open about what you are going through, as there is no lying or covering your tracks, and you will often find people are supportive. However this might not be the case for everyone.
5) FINANCES
If you are lucky enough to receive treatment through the NHS, then this might not be something you need to consider, but this doesnt mean you will avoid private treatment entirely. If, for instance you only qualify for one round on the NHS, it is highly likely that you will then need to fund subsequent rounds yourselves.
Costs on this can vary from £3.5/4K to £15K per round, depending on the clinic! On average it will take 3 rounds of IVF for a successful outcome, and that will all depend on personal factors (medical history, age etc etc), and the percentages still sit around 30-40%.
Sorry if this sounds harsh or negative, but it’s the truth, and its best to go into this with eyes wide open.
Everyone wants the dream, everyone wants to “be the one” it just happens to, but you have to be prepared you might not be.
6) MANAGING UNHELPFUL COMMENTS
If someone says something hurtful or insensitive, then the best way to help yourself and them is to talk to them about it, call them out. Not in an angry way, although you may well be, but because if they understand that isn’t the right thing to say, they probably won’t say it to you again, and perhaps if they meet someone else in the same position they won’t say it to them. It’s all about education.
This won’t happen the first time it happens, and likely you will brush it off and deal with it on your own or with your partner later, but your confidence to say it will come!
7) BE PREPARED FOR PLAN A TO MORPH INTO PLAN D
You have to be prepared for things to change; Your final path, may not be the path you imagined on day 1, but it doesn’t mean it’s not the right one. It’s the rollercoaster that is fertility treatment.
From Keeley
It’s a ride I never thought I would have a VIP annual ticket on, but it’s one I will never ever forget.
How to support a loved one going through fertility treament
1) PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES
Consider texting instead of calling or announcing proudly at a celebratory dinner if you find out you are pregnant when you know your friend/sibling is struggling. It leaves the ball in their park and means you have given thought and awareness to their current situation. This means the world to the person going through it and respects their circumstances. Of course you deserve joy and should be proud and excited with your happy news, but empathy really helps here.
2) ASK IF THEY’RE ALRIGHT
Following on from this, if someone has announced a pregnancy in your friendship group, family or at work; and you know someone struggling, you could message them to ask how they are doing; if they want to talk, or just offer to be there. It helps to know someone is thinking of you, while most of the attention is directed at the mum or dad to be. If they don’t want to engage, don’t push it – it’s really nice to just offer.
Some helpful phrases are: “i’m here for you if you need me” or “i’m sorry you are going through this, it’s shit, but I’m here”… but actually be there, don’t say it if you don’t mean it.
A lot of it is just using emotional intelligence, and it’s surprising how many people don’t possess enough of it to work their way through it, but then that’s not their fault if they’ve never been in a situation where they have had to be aware of it.
3) OFFER TO BE THERE
If your friend/daughter/son/sibling has confided in you and you know they are going for treatment soon then ask them how much they want to talk about it and if you can help by going with them to appointments. Just being there is pretty brill. Understanding how difficult it is goes a very long way to make that person feel supported.
4) SUPPORT THEIR CHOICES
People trying to conceive may do all manner of things that you think are a bit over the top or won’t do anything to help. Here’s an example: if your friend/daughter/son/sibling has decided to change their diet or lifestyle to enhance their fertility, please support them in this choice. If they are not drinking or they’re cutting out gluten/sugar/dairy and consuming mountains of spinach and eggs (!), they’ve probably done this after a lot of research and advice from experts. One of the kindest things people did for me was gifting me sugar-free chocolate (I cut out sugar) or new recipe books which I’d talked about. This was so thoughtful and made me feel so supported.
5) SEND THEM SOMETHING NICE!
Send them stuff if they’re going through a particularly rough time (a failed round of fertility treatment, news of another pregnancy, miscarriage, milestones after loss) or just out of the blue. Presents/ cards/ flowers are always good! Aim for sensitivity, empower yourself with knowledge and don’t turn up with a bottle of fizz if they’re trying not to drink – but if you know they ARE, by all means go round with the Prosecco and Maltesers or even better, go over and offer to cook! Always a winner in my book.
What not to say to someone going through fertility treatment
Try not to offer advice, tell them about people you know who have had success, or assume anything about their feelings day to day.
Alice made this brilliant video with some of the most unhelpful examples!
Mostly avoid saying ” oh my friends were trying and then they just went on holiday and it happened” – there’s always someone’s friend story out there, and that’s lovely, but it isn’t you!
“Just RELAX” is another famous clanger, there’s a lot of urban myths around stress causing infertility, and although of course being calm and positive is definitely a bonus when doing this, there are numerous scientific studies that say stress is not a credible factor.
What you don’t want your body to be is in a heightened state of alert, “fight or flight”, because it will start doing things to combat this, and this isn’t always that conducive…but having someone tell you that is not what you need.
Avoid “it will happen for you” – they don’t know that, and to be honest neither do you.